Pornography – My Drug of Choice

a sample chapter

My name is Bill Corum, and I am going to share some of my story of being addicted to pornography and prostitutes in hopes that it will help you.  I have kept this part of my life buried for over 30 years, for two reasons.  First, I was ashamed. Second, I didn’t want to hurt my children.

In January of 2013 I wrote a book called The Ultimate Pardon, which revealed secrets I had kept hidden all those years.  Since the book was published in August of 2013, I have given an interview for a documentary on pornography and being a sex abuser.  I am contributing to this book with the hope that even one person who is addicted as badly as I was might find freedom.

 

 

Exposure To Pornography

My first exposure to pornography was in the early 1950s, somewhere between the ages of eight and ten.  It was a little cartoon booklet.  When I flipped the pages, the figures would move.  It was like watching a movie, but with cartoon people performing the sex acts.  About that same time, I started looking at Playboy; this was early in the magazine’s beginning, and they didn’t show as much as they do now.  That was the beginning of an addiction to porn that would last for over 30 years.

Pornography is like so many other addictions:  It doesn’t stay where it begins, but continues to drag you farther and farther into the darkness of that world.  When I was 13 or 14, I had a neighbor who worked on hot rods all the time.  He had the walls and ceilings covered with pictures that had been cut out of all types of magazines.  He also had stacks of magazines that hadn’t had pictures removed.  I spent hours every day in his shop.  I now look back and realize that he enjoyed seeing a young boy look at his collection.  He didn’t really understand the effect it would have on me, and how many lives I would ruin over the next 20-some years.

As I got older, my addiction grew, and I became a sexual deviant.

 

Hooked on Hookers

When I was 14, I had an older friend take me downtown and introduce me to prostitution.  The girl standing on the corner of 12th Street and Vine in Kansas City, Missouri, sang out these words, “Five and two, five for the girl, and two for the room.”  Yep . . . seven dollars, that is what sex cost me the first time I paid for it.  The very next year, 1959, Wilbert Harrison came out with a hit song called “Kansas City” in which he sings about standing on the corner of 12th Street and Vine.  I started going to 12th and Central where the Folly Burlesque Theatre was and sneaking in and watching the strippers.  There were doormen to keep kids out, but I soon found the fire escapes and back doors and frequented them on a regular basis.

After my experience with the prostitute, I now had another addiction.  There was something that kept drawing me back to paying a prostitute for sex, and that would continue for the next 25 years.  It wasn’t that I was ugly and couldn’t get girls; I actually had them chasing me.  There were times that I would have two or three girlfriends at the same time and be having sex with all of them, and I would still pick up hookers.

When I was in prison in the early ‘60s, pornography was considered contraband.   You would go to the hole if you got caught with it.  I had a business of selling pornography and made lots of money.  Today, men in prison can actually subscribe to girlie magazines, because some studies have been done that claim pornography is not damaging.  Yet I know that it is.

After my release from prison, I went into the very first adult bookstore that was opened in Kansas City.  My habit continued to grow, and at times I would spend $100 a day going from one to another, all over town.  I knew where every single one in Kansas City was located.  Some people called them gumshoes because when you would walk out of those booths, your feet stuck to the floor.  If you know what I’m talking about, you’ve probably been there.

I would go watch an hour or two of dirty movies and then go find a hooker.  Then back to the bookstores and then maybe go on a date with my girlfriend.  My addiction to pornography affected my relationship with every female that I came in contact with, from the prostitutes to girlfriends and of course my wives.  It kept me from having the kind of intimacy with my wives that God intended between a husband and his wife.  My mind was so programmed from watching years and years of pornography that by the time I got married, it was impossible to have a normal sex life.

When I was about 30, I had a friend introduce me to a new way of getting my thrill with prostitutes.  He taught me how to get my money back.  This became my new sport, paying them whatever they asked and sometimes a lot more, because they would treat me better.  Then always — no exceptions — getting my money back. Sometimes it wasn’t a pretty sight, but I never failed to get my money.  I have so many regrets today for those times and wish I could undo them.  God has given me a way to make amends with those hookers, and I do it every time I get the chance.  When I have opportunities to speak to women in jails or prisons, I tell them the story of how I used to rob prostitutes and take back my money.  I then ask them if they can forgive me for doing that to maybe their mothers, aunts, or just women in general.  They always say that they can forgive me.  By the time we are through, I am crying and they are crying, and I believe that it is healing for me and for them.

My years of using pornography led me into the swinging lifestyle, and I saw things happen in that arena that you don’t ever hear about.  Men that think they want to watch their wife or girlfriend with another man, and then end up losing it . . . breaking her jaw . . . then beating the other guy half to death.  I am certain that people have killed their spouses because of the swinging lifestyle.

I went from soft porn to hard porn in a very short time.  The progression grew to S&M, then to B&D movies and every sick thing that a porn producer could think up.  When I saw my first S&M or B&D pornography movie, I thought they were perverted and never wanted to see another one.  Then I actually started enjoying them and wanted to watch them and then to participate.  I went so far as to watch some actual snuff movies.  You have to be in the business a long time to ever see a real snuff film.  I believe that if I hadn’t gotten set free of pornography, I would have wanted to act out the snuff sex.

The next thing that I am going to write may sound bad, but I have reason to believe that if I had ever started looking at child pornography, I may have become a child molester.  I can honestly say, “Thank God, I have never seen any kind of child porn.”  The reason I say I may have become a child molester is because every other kind of sex act I watched on film or video I acted out.  The only exception was the snuff films; and as I have already stated, that is because I was delivered from pornography before that happened.

Maybe you are reading this and thinking you are not as bad as I was, but you have watched some porn and you feel it wouldn’t be as bad if your wife would watch it with you.  Maybe it would spice up your sex life a little bit.  You’ve tried for months or maybe years to get her to watch one with you, and you almost have her convinced it won’t hurt, but actually help your relationship. Let me tell you what is going to happen.  You may be married to a woman who has never even entertained the idea of cheating on you.  She doesn’t look at other men and think about sleeping with them.  When you watch a porn flick with that kind of woman . . . for the first time in her life, as she watches the reaction of the girl in the movie, she is going to wonder what it would be like to be with another man.  Is that what you want to bring into your marriage?  NO! It is not.  I have seen marriages destroyed by bringing pornography into them.

Do you remember in this article when I referred to porn movies as dirty movies?  Did you ever wonder, Why are they called dirty movies?  Why are they called dirty jokes?  Who gave them that name?  Usually the guy telling it, he walks up and says, “Do you want to hear a dirty joke?” Think about that for a minute, even the guy telling it calls it dirty.  Why would we want something dirty to enter our mind?

Maybe you are just starting to look at soft porn, or maybe you are already addicted beyond what you think is a place of no return.  Take it from someone who has been as deep into the world of pornography as you can get.  I was so deep in the darkness of that world that the only thing I could do to get out was to do a completely radical 180-degree turn.  I began my journey of getting out of that world by asking Jesus Christ to come into my heart and take over my life. There is a saying in the computer world.  “Trash in . . . trash out.”   A friend of mine told me, if I filled my head full of good things, it would drive the trash out.  So he told me if I wanted to read a magazine, read a Christian magazine.  If I wanted to listen to the radio, listen to Christian radio. If I wanted to watch TV, watch Christian TV.  If I wanted to talk to someone, talk to a Christian.  You get the picture, Christian, Christian, Christian.  This may not be what everyone has to do, but it was the only thing I could do.  If you are as addicted to porn as I was, it may be the only thing you can do.  I promise you it will work, if you seriously do it.  It is like anything else: If you only half do it, it only half works.  If you go to the gym every day and watch people work out, you are not going to get in shape.  The only way it will work is if you go work out.

The Ultimate Pardon

If you haven’t already done this,ask the Lord Jesus Christ to come into your heart and cleanse you from your sin.  The Bible promises us in 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sin, He is faithful to forgive us our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”  You may need to find someone to confess to and ask them to be your accountability partner.  For me it was my wife.  I then spent hours in the Bible every day.  I filled my head so full of the truth that I pushed all the lies out.  I hope this book helps you, and I really hope my little assistance helped you as well.  Bless you, and may the Lord make His face to shine upon you.

In HIS grip,

Bill Corum

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!  II Corinthians 5:17

 

You can read in detail more of Bill’s experiences in his autobiography, The Ultimate Pardon.

www.theultimatepardon.com

www.billcorum.com

www.youtube.com/Bill CorumTestimony

Reflections

1. What started with a cartoon book ended up in full blown addiction. What steps along the way could Bill have taken to prevent this? 

 

2. On a scale of 1- 10 how addicted are you? Take an online test at:

http://www.no-porn.com/test.html

http://www.pornaddictioninfo.com/addict_quiz.htm

http://www.sexhelp.com/am-i-a-sex-addict/sex-addiction-test

 

Number 1 is “Porn is not an issue for me” and 10 is “I am an addict”. Rate what you found:

 

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10

 

3. If you are not yet addicted do you think you can keep viewing porn without getting addicted?  Yes____ No_____

 

4. If you are addicted, do you want to get free?  Yes____ No_____

 

5. If Bill was “as deep into the world of pornography as you can get” and Jesus was able to help him, is there hope for you?  
Yes____ No_____

 

6. What is the first step you need to take to begin this journey?